Some of my favorite moments from 2024
top: the days of dealing with our abundance of pears from our pear trees | Gabe and mom’s trip to Florida. second: our yearly trek to the North Shore was just as refreshing as it always is and left me feeling at peace | one of our many nights at our river beach. third: our trip to the pumpkin patch was magical this year | one of the quiet moments over Christmas break fourth: wild berry foraging with Grandpa | visiting our favorite island for a (mostly) private swim and picnic fifth: hours of gardening with my kiddos | one of our many hikes this summer
Hello my friends! Happy New Year a few days late! I have been very much enjoying some time off these past few weeks, and have been doing very little except enjoying time with family and recovering from strep throat and pink eye… ha! Yes, our entire family got strep throat the week of Christmas (the throw up kind no less) so we were a bit subdued for our festivities, but… there’s always that ONE Christmas in our memories right? Well this will be ours. 😉 Even with the sickness we still had a good time. It honestly was nice to have an excuse to cancel everything and really just chill out at home with literally nowhere to go.
I think in a lot of ways this past week of Christmas and New Year’s festivities represent the year of 2024 for me and my family. 2024 brought a lot of unexpected twists and turns that caused a forced acceptance (I just learned the term radical acceptance which I believe is an excellent thing to work towards, but I don’t think we’re quite there yet) of many circumstances that just so happen to be out of our control.
My health took a negative turn this past year and while I struggled greatly to accept the reality of this, I am starting to really grow in the area of accepting the word “chronic illness” for myself. And looking back over this past year I actually see tremendous growth in the way that I respond to the pain that I experience.
In the past, if I would have experienced such an intense flare up I would have assumed I was doing something to cause it and I would exhaust myself trying to change my diet, habits, lifestyle to somehow find the magic combo that would heal me of all of my pain.
But in doing so I was putting a lot of blame on myself for the pain I was experiencing and causing a lot of shame and guilt around things I really can’t control fully. I have chronic migraines, fibromyalgia, PMDD, GERD, neuropathic itch, and IBS + I’m perimenopausal and have ADHD so for me to think I can simply eat better (that’s the very simplified version of everything I try to change) and sleep more and everything will be totally fixed is simply put, extremely misguided.
Eating nutrient dense foods, doing Pilates and yoga stretching regularly, and getting a full night of sleep makes me feel so much better, but it doesn’t take away my pain. My migraines and Fibro for example are extremely complicated and nuanced.
Some of my flare ups are caused by food and lack of water, but some are caused by hormonal fluctuations. Some of my migraines are triggered by smells and bright lights (but only on certain days). Sometimes I’ll get a migraine from eating chocolate or grapes, but most days I don’t. Sometimes taking Tylenol triggers a headache to turn into a migraine, but most days it doesn’t. Some days I’ll have done everything right, but I’ll wake up the next morning and my body will ache so bad I can barely get out of bed.
In other words, some things are in my control, but so much isn’t and trying to act as if I am in control has led me to entertain a lot of shame and driven me to exhaustion in the past.
Something I started to learn and absorb in 2024 is that letting go of the idea that I can fix my pain allows me to accept certain truths about myself I didn’t want to admit in the past.
Namely: I am someone who lives with chronic pain. I never wanted to accept that for myself, but I’ve actually started to feel an incredible freedom in allowing myself to own that truth.
I don’t have to exhaust myself anymore trying to “fix” my pain, I don’t have to try to come up with excuses for why I’m too exhausted or in too much pain to hang out or help out with something.
I can admit to myself that my chronic pain is important enough for me to bow out and I can tell people that I have a migraine or that my fibro is too painful for me to go out.
It’s something I’m still working on because I’ve always thought that strength meant getting to a place where you no longer experienced pain, but I’m realizing now that strength is actually living and accepting your life exactly as it is and choosing to make the best of it despite the circumstances that make it difficult.
And this is something I’m teaching my kids as well because this year the older ones started to get developmentally old enough that they really became aware of some of the differences between the way they process the world and the way the neurotypical people around them do.
This was especially true for one of my kids who not only deals with the ADHD differences, but is testing off the charts intellectually and is more intelligent than most of their classmates. They’ve really struggled to find their place and I’ve had to really work with them to accept who they are, while also realizing that it’s not a bad thing to be different.
I’ve had to adapt SO much as a mom to 4 kids with ADHD, and it’s been honestly one of the most fulfilling challenges of my life. 2024 was filled with some of the hardest moments of my life as a parent so far, and I’ve had to navigate things I never thought I’d have to, but the fulfillment I get from providing my kids with the safe space to be exactly who they are (something I didn’t get, though I don’t blame my parents as so little was know about ADHD in the 80’s/90’s… especially in girls) is worth it.
My greatest desire in life is that I can raise my kids to be healthy functioning adults that are able to positively contribute to society and that they feel 100% comfortable and confident with who they are. I don’t want them to ever question their essence or the things that they observe/perceive. In other words, I want them to be confident in themselves, but I also want them to be confident in their ADHD, because I don’t buy into the idea that it HAS to be a negative thing.
I realize that’s an extremely sensitive topic for a lot of people, and to be honest ADHD has been a predominantly negative thing for most of my life. But I don’t think it has to be. I’ve looked into the studies and data, and I fully believe that with early medication, therapy, and a supportive home environment the harder parts of their ADHD struggles can be managed relatively well later on in life and they can fully enjoy the parts of ADHD worth celebrating… like the intense creativity, passion, ability to focus on difficult subjects, deeper capacity for emotions than neurotypicals, the “sixth sense” we experience, etc.
I promise I’m not being naive here… I’ve experienced the worst of ADHD (and I truly mean that, there’s things I don’t feel comfortable sharing on here but I truly have experienced awful things that I realize now were related to my ADHD). I know the potential my kids have to experience those things and I know that they still have the free will and ability to make their own choices and carve their own paths.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that yes, this past year was so hard as a parent to my four… but the hard work now is worth it because the long term goal of allowing them to thrive with their ADHD is worth any hardships I have to endure right now.
In other words, If I have to sacrifice all of myself to be there for them now, at least I know that my sacrifices are enabling them to truly grow up with deeply ingrained truths and tools that they can rely on or return to when they need them. It’s so much easier to slap a bandaid on ADHD behaviors in kids and hope they’ll outgrow them, I see so many kids with ADHD being forced to hide or mask their behaviors because those behaviors are scary to parents or “too much” and it’s so much easier to force these kids to just “stop it”… and then suddenly parents wonder why these kids are convinced they are the “bad” kid (it’s because they’ve been forced to navigate that tornado internally instead of externally FYI, and they’ve come to the conclusion that they must be bad since they have those sort of feelings and compulsions).
It’s so, so, so, so much harder to lean in and enter the tornado of suicidal talk, physically aggressive behavior, screaming endlessly, of allowing your child to display their Jekyll and Hyde personalities so you can figure out what’s really going on. It’s so much harder to walk the fine line of setting firm boundaries while also providing a safe space for them to be heard and cared for… to help them navigate and interpret the world in a more helpful way while also validating their experience and the way their ADHD brain is processing information. To stay patient and calm when they perceive you as the enemy when you know that the true enemy is the intense disregulation they’re going through and that you’re actually the only person that can help them get regulated again.
It’s hard work you guys. And I’ve had to work really hard not to detach myself and shut off my own emotions just so I can handle the intense work of it (therapy has helped immensely with this). But the more that we work together on finding healthy ways to deal with these emotions and behaviors (and yes we talk all the time about how it’s a group effort) the more I see baby steps towards progress and I know that opening “pandora’s box” and allowing them to release everything that is usually dubbed “too much” so that they know they have a safe space to feel and be whatever they need to is worth every bit of sacrifice that I have to make for them to never, ever have to mask in front of me.
So as 2025 starts, I hope that it brings progress… perhaps some healing for my body… perhaps some progress in the kids behaviors so that things are a little less intense from all sides. BUT the thing that 2024 taught me is that even if it’s not, I’ll be okay. I can find strength in the situation I’m actually in… not in the situation I want to be in, or in the situation I hope to be in when a,b,c comes true. If I choose to embrace the moments I’m actually living I’ll find the ability to take a step forward and then another step, and then another… and then before I know it I’ll be looking backwards and realizing that I did the thing I didn’t think I could do. I hope that for you in 2025 as well, I hope that whatever it is you’re facing this year will be something that you look back on in 2026 with an air of confidence and gratitude. Let’s all just start with that one step together and see what we can do this year.
Until next time,
Karin
I hope you’re doing well! I am eager to get to know as I admire your ADHD work. And that’s why I’m contacting you today. I would love to have you join me in a new venture—getting all girls with ADHD diagnosed before their 8th birthday. To make this a reality, I am creating a group of dynamic women who want to give girls with ADHD a fair start in life.
FINDtheADHDgirls.org is launching an invitation-only, “Committed Partners” program. Participants in the program are ADHD influencers and advocates who agree to promote awareness of ADHD in young girls and the need for early diagnosis.
As a Committed Partner, you will be listed as an ADHD thought leader on our website and be featured in our social media posts. You’ll have exclusive opportunities to share your expertise via webinars, blog posts, and more. And, of course, backlinks and bylines! You can attend virtual monthly meetings with other Partners, sharing insights, knowledge, and support.
If this free opportunity resonates with you, learn more and complete the Enrollment Form. You will receive a Committed Partner badge to display, and, if you wish, add, “I am a Committed Partner of FINDtheADHDgirls.org” to your email signature.
Please DM or email me if you have questions or want to talk over zoom.
Warm regards,
Cynthia Hammer, MSW, Founder
FINDtheADHDgirls.org
[email protected]