Hey friends – long time no write. 😏 I have been in major avoidance mode all month when it comes to getting a blog post up… but it’s not because I haven’t wanted to post something. I’ve wanted to write this all month, but I just haven’t been able to get to the point where I can get my words from my brain to this post. Everything feels like a huge jumble right now, I’ve just had so much to process from 2023 and I still have so much to process that it’s hard to actually form a clear, meaningful sentence that expresses exactly what it is that I am thinking and wanting. Plus, we have a lot of decision making going on with our kids right now and next steps in their care so my brain quite literally feels like a scene from the movie Twister.
And then there’s the issue that I have a really hard time trusting myself. To be honest, with this blog I’ve always kind of skirted by with the status quo. I did the capsule wardrobe thing when they were en vogue, but I was never 100% in on them (although don’t get me wrong, I really wanted to be), and then I did the ethical fashion thing when that became en vogue and I actually really loved that, but then I also found that it could be really elitest which I hated, and it was also just not always doable for someone like me who found so much comfort and joy in the art form of fashion. I even dabbled in leaving the fashion thing behind and mommy blogging and that ended up feeling so invasive and scary for me that I just quit cold turkey. So for the last few years I’ve kind of just coasted aimlessly and it’s been hard to find “me” in this space. I think at some point my blog became a burden because I lost myself in it and for the last year my heart has definitely not been in it. But the hard part of this is that I don’t really want to leave it behind either because I’m really proud of what I’ve built here and I have gotten to know so many of you precious people… some of you have impacted my life in such meaningful ways. And very honestly, the income I bring in here is a huge blessing to our family… even if it is a shadow of what it once was because my time is now majorly focused on the care of my kids (which incidentally is one decision I 100% trust was the right one).
But the main reason I’m so confused is that even though I’ve felt like this space has become a burden to a certain degree, I still very much cherish it as one of the happiest spaces in my life considering it’s a place that has the potential to hold space for all of me and all of you… if I’ll let it. After a life time of people telling me that everything about me is wrong, over time it’s hard to know if they’re right or not. So I don’t trust that I can do what I want here, because I don’t know if I’m capable of making good decisions and I’m terrified of making mistakes and opening up and being vulnerable and then feeling regret for doing so. And that kind of sucks to be honest because I want this space to be MINE for the first time ever.
I LOVE fashion, and beauty and kid hacks and I really still want to talk about those things, but I also want to feel free to be more myself in other ways on here. I want to talk about my mental health more freely, I want to talk about my ADHD and what I’m learning more freely. I also just want to be random and impulsive and spazzy and emotional and ridiculous and thoughtful and deep and creative because I’m all of those things, but I hide it behind a one dimensional view of myself. It’s how I mask honestly. If I look presentable and look like I have my stuff together then no one will know how much I’m crumbling from the inside out. But it kind of ends up being my own worst enemy if you will, because when I do finally open up about how I’m basically a wraith of a person it’s hard to get people to take me seriously. So I think I need to stop masking… and I don’t mean stop caring about clothes and makeup because I actually do genuinely enjoy those things even if I do use them as shields… I mean it’s time for me to start talking about the crap. And my fear that people will think I’m over exaggerating, looking for attention, being dramatic (HOW many times have I heard that in my life), whatever it is has to take a back burner because if I don’t start talking about the real me… crap and all… I think I may just go crazy.
or at least more crazy than I already am.
And look, I want to be clear that my life is not terrible. I have so many good things in my life and I am so, so aware of those things and thankful for them. But at the same time my life has also been an endless uphill battle against mental health struggles (sometimes as low as you can get), and chronic pain and I’ve spent most of my life exhausting myself hiding that from people. I think this space can be this wonderful, weird and quirky space where we can hold space for all of the things. Because listen, my attention span truly is like a dog who’s just seen a squirrel so if I really do unleash myself on you guys you never know what may show up here. 😁
So I guess what I want to say is that 2024 is going to be an experimental year for me. I’ve already started to be more myself in other areas of my life and it’s been SO freeing. I want that for this space, but I also know it’s going to be a bit wonky. There might be times where I’ll have a lot to say and then there might be times where I’ll be silent for awhile and you’ll only get the fun fashiony content you’re used to (because I’m hiding behind it, but also because sometimes you just need something to release the pressure a bit).
I don’t know honestly. I think I just need to lean into me instead of trying to fight me like I have the entire time I’ve been blogging… and basically my entire life. Because really at the end of the day I think I can help you be more accepting of who you are too. Maybe you don’t have the same struggles I do, but maybe if you see me doing it… being weird and open and honest… maybe you can try it too. And I know from experience this past year, that when you CAN be open and vulnerable with safe people and start to share those people will seek to understand. That’s something I didn’t get before, but it’s something my therapist has helped me to realize: if I don’t give people a chance, I’ll never know their capability to hear me and understand. So I’m extending that circle just a bit to you guys, I’m giving you guys the chance to hear and understand and in doing so maybe I’ll help you be brave enough to give someone else the chance.
I love you guys, I appreciate you guys and I’ve always appreciated that you guys have stuck with me because I know I haven’t masked as well as I think have over the years and yet you guys have never been anything but supportive. Cheers to 2024.
Until next time,