2020 Reflections + Goals for the New Year

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Well hello there! It’s been a minute. I decided to take some time off over the Holidays, and it’s been really nice… like REALLY nice. In fact, I wasn’t planning on hopping on here for another week, but I suddenly felt a really big urge to write out this post so I’m going to go with it.

Normally, I do a word of the year… but I’m not going to do that this year because, well, last year’s word went straight out the window the minute all of our lives got upended by Covid.

And if there’s one thing I’ve learned from my 2020 reflections its that planning will only take you so far when life gets completely out of your control.

I have felt completely out of control for most of 2020, and it’s been horrible for me, chief control freak and seeker of order.

Yes, this year has been hard for me as well. Our little guy’s first year of life ended up looking nothing like I thought it would, the twin’s transition to preschool has been incredibly hard because of new social distancing policies, and…

Then bug’s kindergarten experience… the moment I had been looking forward to for so long, has become one of the most stressful things I have ever gone through and has caused so much anxiety and frustration in our home.

I go through phases where I’m upbeat and hopeful and I know this won’t all last forever, and then I go through phases where I’m constantly crying and feeling sad, and like I don’t know how we’re going to get through it.

I’m 100% on board with all social distancing, mask wearing, and safety orders… 100%. BUT that doesn’t mean that those things aren’t hard to cope with sometimes.

ANYWAY. What I’m trying to say is that, like all of you, 2020 ended up completely upending my life, brought so much pain and anxiety, and has caused me to grow in ways I didn’t really want to (but were good for me…).

The hardest thing I’ve had to go through this year was watching my kids suffer from losing out on things that were important to them. Watching my oldest grieve not seeing her best friend from preschool anymore, missing out on kindergarten, having to tell my kids they couldn’t go to the park or the play place or see their cousins… it broke (and still breaks) my heart.

So going into 2021 I have a completely different perspective on life. A completely different perspective on what it is to start a New Year, and a much different way of approaching the future.

I’ve learned that it’s OKAY to not know. I WILL survive if I’m not in control. I can’t just MAKE things what I want them to be, and that I can’t protect my kids from everything.

So I can’t create a word of the year this year… I just can’t.

Because first of all, what would I even choose??

But second, realizing that everything can change in an instant, makes me understand that a word can only carry me so far.

Instead I’ve decided to create very vague categories with ways in which I’d like to do better… whatever that looks like, however small the improvement is… just better.

I made a lot of excuses for my poor behaviors in 2020 because, after all, we were in a pandemic!

It’s okay to overspend, it’s okay to eat crap, it’s okay to stay up late binging on social media…

but I don’t feel okay now. I need to make changes if I want to have any semblance of good mental health at the end of 2021. I can either keep going down the unhealthy path I am on, or I can make efforts to do better in the hopes that new habits will be formed.

So what are my goals? I’m not going to get into extreme detail, but basically?

Health and time management

In regards to health:

My eating habits did actually improve towards the middle of 2020… I finally cut out most sugar after finally admitting that it was severely impacting my mental health. It was hugely impactful for me, and then… I’ve let things go again during the Holidays and my anxiety has returned (plus the hives and headaches that I get from eating sugar).

So in 2021 I want to make it my goal to eat as little sugar as possible. If I learned anything from going dairy free four years ago, it’s that no food is worth the poor quality of life it causes… I didn’t want to admit that there might be a link between my mental health and sugar, but it 100% does. So it’s time to be firm with myself and do it for my sake, but also for the sake of my family.

And in terms of working out, I have been so terrible at making this a commitment this year. I’ve stayed up way too late too many nights only to wake up with the kids in the morning and skip my workout.

But I want to feel strong again, I want to feel the mood boosting benefits of working out, and I want to model that for my children. I know I won’t be able to do this one perfectly because having 4 kids really does actually get in the way of doing a workout every day, BUT I’m going to join the Tone it Up 2021 challenge towards the end of January in the hopes that it will kick start a new habit of waking up early to fit that workout in…

And speaking of that… let’s talk about time management:

Yes, my habit of getting up early went by the wayside this year, but the main reason for that is because I’ve allowed my social media consumption get out of hand. I used to put my phone away every night and take a break from it until after lunch the next day, but any boundaries I had went completely out the window in the name of “being informed.” YES I want to be informed, and YES I think it’s extremely important to be informed, BUT I also think time away from our phones is SO, SO important.

So my goal is to once again, be extremely harsh with my boundaries and have a zero check policy after the kids go to bed. I need to create space in my life to unwind, pursue hobbies, and just spend time with David.

Plus, when I’m not wasting time on my phone I almost always get to bed earlier which helps me get up early and workout/spend time with God. And both of those things make a big difference on my mental health.

And second, this year brought with it a huge change in this blog. For the first time since I started blogging I can officially say it has turned into a full time job. I’m spending the time on it, I’m making enough money, etc. to officially call myself a working mom, and oh man has it kicked my butt in combination with distance learning. Suddenly I have this job that I love, and enjoy and is helping our family out in this uncertain economic moment, and then suddenly I’m in charge of my child’s education.

I have not done this well. I have not found a way to manage both of these things, and so in 2021 I want to do better at this… I have no idea what that will look like, I have no idea how, but in the time I will hopefully be carving out to spend with God I will be praying fervently about this in the hopes that I find some clarity.

But one thing I do know… I cannot continue staying up till 2 in the morning working. I cannot spend my weekends away from my kids. So maybe that’s going to look like childcare, or maybe it’s going to look like hiring someone to help… I’m not sure. But something is going to have to give.

So yes… no word today. Just a bunch of rambly reflections because honestly? I don’t even know exactly how I feel about 2020. I don’t feel like I’ve had the space to properly reflect or realize how much this year has affected me. We’re still in the thick of it really… so instead of making a plan to fit my life into one overarching theme, I’m making the decision to adapt based on external circumstances…

how do I work with a distance learner and 3 kids not in school? How do I find space away from my phone while also needing to be informed? How do I workout and eat well while also needing to go with the flow?

So no pressure this year. I’m just going to have these loose goals in the back of my mind and I’m going to make an effort to do a little better. I’m not going to be hard on myself, regret choices I made in 2020, or feel like a failure, but I AM going to recognize that certain aspects of my life are not serving me well and I’m going to do the work to create new habits.

I don’t know if any of that made sense really. It’s just my ramblings really, and this may or may not resonate with you. I DO hope though that you can be easy on yourself as we enter a new year of continued unknown. I DO pray you can be gentle with how you feel 2020 did or did not go for you. But I also hope that we can all find new inspiration to pursue choices that will bring contentment and joy… even amidst the chaos surrounding us.

SO here’s to 2021. May it bring hope and new strength.

Until next time,

Karin