I shared on Friday that it was Ella and Rosie’s birthdays on Saturday!
We had just a small little gathering with David’s parents… the biggest event was the cake tasting for the first time. True to form Rosie was much more tentative and took little bites from her cupcake whereas Ella grabbed her entire cupcake and basically shoved it into her mouth. Either way, both girls enjoyed their treat!
I still can’t believe they are one… and that we survived the first year. Everyone who has twins kept saying “just get through the first year” and now that we have I get it.
I’ve actually known for awhile now that I wanted to write this post when they turned one.
Because even though I know a lot of people who have twins, none of them live close to me so I didn’t have anyone (who really gets it) to take me out to coffee, or in other words, to send me a face to face lifeline.
Now I realize that we’re not sitting down for a coffee right now. I wish we were. But I’m going to write this as if we were.
So, my friend who is expecting twins, this is for you. I know you’re feeling the weird mix of joy, disbelief, and straight up terror right now. I felt it… I understand.
Having twins is one of the greatest blessings I can imagine, and it’s also incredibly hard.
When I found out I was pregnant with Ella and Rosie, I had a bunch of twin mama’s warn me they would be hard. I thought I understood what they were saying when they told me that. I thought they were warning me about sleepless nights and endless crying, about having my hands full, and never getting any alone time.
And they were… because the first year has brought all of those things more times than I can count.
But what I didn’t understand was that having twins is not just a physically challenging thing. It’s a heart wrenching thing. It’s the hardest thing I’ve gone through emotionally.
And I know how that sounds. I know it sounds ungrateful, I know it sounds dramatic, and I know it sounds dishonest. But I’m risking you feeling those things about me because I wish someone would have sat me down and made me understand this before I had them. I wish I would have been warned so that when it happened it didn’t make me feel like such a failure as a mother.
I can’t really explain why it’s so hard. Because my heart grew to include both of them. But at the same time, my heart was divided. I couldn’t spend time with one of them without feeling guilty about not being with the other. If I was cuddling one I felt afraid that the other needed me at that moment as well. And when both of them were crying at the same time, how was I supposed to make that decision?
I remember one particularly low moment. I was sitting in church and I saw a new mama cuddling her newborn baby. She held her the entire service and I kept trying to look away, but eventually I broke down and started sobbing. I was jealous. Jealous that she could give her full attention to what her heart longed for. Because my heart longed for both babies, and yet I couldn’t give my full attention to either of them.
And I realize that this is true for parents of children of various ages as well… to a point. But there is a big difference between being able to give all of your newborn attention to a newborn versus having two newborns with the exact same needs at the exact same moment.
And I know that you’ll feel misunderstood by parents of singles. I know that you’ll feel isolated because the only people who can truly understand are other parents of multiples. I know what it is to tell people who care, people who are 100% on your side, that it is hard and to feel frustrated when they don’t fully understand. It’s not their fault… remember that.
Prepare yourself for this. Prepare yourself for the pain. Expect to struggle with this. And when you do, don’t feel like a failure. I know you will anyway, but try to be strong.
But don’t lose hope, my friend.
In the middle of all of this. In the middle of feeling hurt, and stripped, and broken you will catch glimpses of the breathtakingly beautiful thing you have been given.
You get to experience the absolutely magical bond of twins. The tiny hand reaching over to hold her sister’s hand just moments after birth. The moment they lock eyes with each other for the first time and just stare in wonder, and then later the first time they make each other laugh.
You’ll get to experience them cuddling while they sleep and stealing food off of each other’s high chair. You’ll get to hold two babies at the same time and feel like Wonder Woman. You’ll have two belly laughs to listen to and twin language? Yeah it’s a real thing.
Yes, twins are hard. They make you question everything that you are. They’ll make you wonder if you are enough… if you have what it takes. They’ll make you question everything that you’ve ever known.
But, my friend, please don’t despair. Because they will give you so much more. They will give you a strength you never knew you had. They will give you a new vision of motherhood. They will teach you what matters, how to listen to your instincts, how to truly be happy with “your best.”
And you’ll come out of that first year better than you were… maybe more subdued, maybe with less pride… but better.
You will survive. Don’t be afraid… you can do this. You were made to do this.
And one last thing before I go: let other people help you. Don’t be an island… now is not the time for pride. If someone asks what they can do, tell them. And if you have a partner, lean on each other. It’s so easy in all of the stress and busyness to lose sight of the fact that you’re a team. Be there for each other and give each other grace. Even the best of us fail when we’re at our weakest.
Happy birthday sweet Ella and Rosie! You’ve made me a better person and I am so thankful for you.
(More on the twins: their birth story and their NICU story)
Until next time,
“…But at the same time, my heart was divided. I couldn’t spend time with one of them without feeling guilty about not being with the other. If I was cuddling one I felt afraid that the other needed me at that moment as well. And when both of them were crying at the same time, how was I supposed to make that decision?”
YES YES YES. Absolutely. As a mom of 8-month-old twin girls, I understand. (A bad episode of both of them crying and wanting to be held just happened last week.) There are no words to quite describe the struggle, and it runs so deep.
Oh and you are still in the thick of it! It does get better I promise, but it is such a hard thing to go through. Hugs to you friend! You’re doing an amazing job!
Yes, twins are hard. They make you question everything that you are. They’ll make you wonder if you are enough… if you have what it takes. They’ll make you question everything that you’ve ever known.
Your words explain how I feel most of the time… I have never been so tired in my life taking care of my babies… I’ve had 2 singletons before my twins and it was also hard but taking care of twins is a new level of hard only mulitiple mamas know… My boy/girl twins are almost 11 months and I can’t wait to for them to be 1 year old! Thank you for encouragement…. I know this season we’re in is not forever but sometimes I forget especially when I’m overwhelmed.
I agree with this so much. Mine will be three (3!!!) next month and it is harder and so, so much easier all at once. I got so frustrated when things I wanted to do, like have a cute single stroller, or baby wear, or breastfeed turned out to be wholly impractical (at least the way I imagined them to be). But around 13-15 months, it was SO much easier. Of course, at 14 months, I found out I was expecting their sister, who just turned one. And guess what? The year mark also brings space to breathe with one.
It’s chaos, all the time. But gracious, I wouldn’t change a thing. You’ve got this, twin mamas.
Ah yes! Love that last sentence… the perfect way to sum it up! This is not the journey I thought I would be going on, but it’s been such a beautiful mess! I’m so happy that I get to have the combo that I do.
I just read this for the first time, and I’m 26 weeks pregnant with twins. Exactly all the things I’m anxious about for the future, the emotions, the hardships, the feeling of being divided and that through it I will feel like a failure, you nailed it. I started crying as I read it because I haven’t even held my babies yet, but my heart is already divided, and you get me. Thank you for writing this! I needed it.
Oh Jessica! My heart goes out to you! I can tell you (now that I’m three years in) that it DOES get better! It’s so, so hard at first, but hang in there because the blessings FAR outweigh the hardships. It took me awhile to figure that out, but you will love having twins, even if it takes you awhile to get there. I’m excited for you!
Thank you. Thank you so much for this. I have 5 week old twin and it is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. I know it will get better but it sure is hard. I have been a teacher in an infant classroom at a childcare center for years. Nothing can prepare you for twins. I have a 5 year old daughter too. I laugh at how easy one baby is. I remember thinking it was hard to have one! Haha. Now I look back and realize that was nothing. Once again thank you for this post. It was just what I needed to read.
Hi Ashley! I’m so glad it resonated with you. I agree with you that nothing can prepare you for twins – it’s one of the biggest blessings ever, but it is also SO hard sometimes. You’re right in the thick of it so hugs to you! Hang in there!
Thank you!!! Your letter came all of the sudden this morning on Pintetest, and at the best time, because our twins are 6 month old and this night was more terrible than ever… When I woke up I just felt empty, I cannot smile and I am broken… Your letter helped me have a little bit of light. Thank you it was a blessing for me. Send you u a hug, Csilla
I’ve been there Csilla, and I’m so sorry you’re going through it too. It does get better I promise, but I’m glad for now you could be encouraged.
Hey dear am going to be a twins mommy they are like about 8 weeks am surprised when I heard that it’s blessing and your letter makes me to be more curious to see them thank you for sharing
We found out today we are expecting twins, we had an ivf journey after losing our daughter at a day old almost 2 years ago due to a rare heart disorder. We are terrified, excited, grateful and for the first time in over 2 years we are so full of hope. My mother is a twin but I don’t have any other twin mommas to lean on or learn fromand I enjoyed reading your article, if my loss has taught me anything it’s to appreciate all the little things even when they are difficult and I give myself the grace to feel all the feelings that come my way unapologetically. I look forward to reading more from you.
I am so sorry for the pain and loss you’ve gone through. And I admire your strength? Best wishes to you. ♥️
I needed to read this and I never knew I needed too! I am 10 weeks with twins and we have a 2 year old so this really helped focus my brain and also prepare myself for the adventure ahead
Thankyou xxx