These last few weeks have been a bit of a struggle for me.
I hate that my mood is so dependent on structure and routine… but it really is.
I thrive off of routine. And not necessarily because I like things to be predictable… it’s because I like to be in control.
When things operate per usual, I have an easier time “keeping” things under my control.
And I like when things fit into neat little boxes.
Sigh.
But life isn’t always predictable and easy to understand (hello completely unexpected twins!)… it’s not always black and white.
Even as a young girl, I had a basic understanding of this concept, and that understanding crystalized and grew as I got older.
But it’s really only been in the last 5 years that I have truly come to know and understand the grayish goo (can I trademark that?!) that is life.
In a lot of ways, it would be so much easier to have a black and white life. It would be so much easier if life was neat and tidy all of the time.
But it’s not… it’s gray, and goopy, and messy, and
I’m not actually in control of the end result of my life.
Sure I can steer it here and there with my (always excellent) decision making, but ulitmately God is going to work out His will and purpose in my life.
He has a plan for me, and while it’s so, so scary to let go and trust that plan (context is my number one Strength Finder after all… I NEED to understand ha!), I know that God is leading me where I need to go.
Even when it seems like He has no idea what He’s doing, and He needs a helping hand, I can assure you He doesn’t.
I think of the Christian Jews during the Diaspora of Acts 8. I’m sure persecution, and the need to give up home and everything that felt comfortable didn’t feel like it was part of God’s plan, but it ultimately led to the spread of Christianity throughout the entire region… God had a plan.
So I’m learning to let go of control.
I’m learning to rest and trust.
These are all things that are extremely hard for me, but I don’t want my “need” to be in charge step in the way of the purposes God has put on my life.
As the ever wise Carrier Underwood says: “Jesus take the wheel.”
Sorry I had to.
Is this something you struggle with too?
Until next time,
Karin
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It’s a big struggle for me, too. In fact, I’d say one of the most challenging parts of parenting three very young children. It manifests for me in an inability to organize and decorate my home as completely as I’d like to feel like I’m in control. After a long day when I’m run down for any reason, I it manifests in ostensibly pointless frustration that the little labeled boxes and baskets I set up to keep little pieces of toy sets wrangled and sorted are all mixed together and a hot mess, or that the hall paint I purchased in 2015 is still in the can and the hall still a mess a paint samples (we moved into our home the day before I gave birth to my twins). It’s funny and silly with perspective, but difficult to let go and laugh when you’re in the thing.
I love Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 and constantly have to remind myself that this is a season and its point is not perfectly-organized toy bins. It is letting go enough to enjoy this fleeting time with these incredible tiny humans. x
I resonate with so much of what you’re saying Rebecca! And we have really similar time lines with moving and having twins. But you’re right… there is a season for everything and I also try to relax and enjoy things even if they aren’t perfect.
Yes, sometimes you have to surrender. It’s the hardest part!
Yes it is!
So needed to hear someone else going through all of this. My family is facing some decisions regarding moving eventually and the biggest one is where to, which is scary for me. I love routine, predictable, logical, etc. And I married someone a bit opposite of me. And then add 3 little boys to the mix and it’s Struggletown for sure. But I’m learning daily to RELEASE. Release my wants, needs, expectations (a HUGE hurdle for me), and doubts even. Trusting that God has that bigger plan. And even if we flub up, He doesn’t forsake us and our measely efforts. Ya know? So.. basically.. I’m with you here!
So much yes Sarah! Moving was so hard for me because I knew we would be moving from a house I loved to a house that was OK, but had the space we needed. I do feel glad now, but at the time it was a really hard thing for me to let go of. I hope that you find similar peace!
I’m listening to Girl, Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis (loving listening to books on dog walks or doing dishes late at night). Some good stuff in there. I think it’s important to realize we are all living much more similar lives as parents of young kids than anyone realizes.
I keep hearing about that book. I need to pick it up!