Hi Friends. It’s Been Awhile
Hello my dear friends. I am, in fact, still here.
I feel as if I must start with an apology for posting such a cryptic blog post and then essentially disappearing off of the interwebs for months. That was not my intention at the time I assure you ha!
I had planned on having my surgery, feeling better and then getting back to blogging post haste, but alas. Life never does seem to go as planned.
When I left you in November I was scheduled for a hysterectomy due to the symptoms I mentioned in that post, and the plan was to check for Endometriosis during the surgery. What ended up happening was a three hour removal of advanced stage 4 endometriosis alongside my complete hysterectomy.
I still haven’t fully processed how deeply my body was riddled with endo, and the fact that all of the pain I’ve been experiencing for the last 10-15 years is now fully explained – you see I didn’t have many of the typical symptoms of endometriosis. I never really had cramping and I didn’t struggle with fertility (a side note here: I am so beyond grateful I could weep and my heart is with all of you dear ones out there who have a different outcome to shoulder). I did have pain around ovulation, but my symptoms were largely centered around gut issues, and severe back, hip, and rib pain.
I’m not going to get into the specifics of what they found here, but I can in a separate post if you’d like me to. My point is that in a matter of three hours I feel like I went to sleep one person and woke up a completely different person.
Maybe that seems dramatic, but suddenly I am seeing things in a completely different light. I’m understanding why things were happening the way they did when I was younger and I’m realizing how much I was failed in my past by people who should have supported me. I also have a lens in which to view my pain through… something which I’ve never had before.
It’s also been opening up a lot of trauma inside of me that I had buried deep, and that has been hardest of all. I was taught growing up to simply not be sick… being sick meant you were not good enough, in the way, and failing somehow. And now that I no longer just suspect that I’m sick. Now that I can’t deny that I’m sick, its been a really, really disconcerting thing to process through and I’ve had a lot of dark days dealing with my undeserved guilt and shame.
Thank goodness for my therapist.
Don’t get confused my friends, I am not writing this to you from the other side. I’m writing this to you from the midst of it… and I almost didn’t. I almost wiped my hands of this blog and retreated into my silent little hiding spot on the corner of my couch.
But something inside of my kept nudging me to come back. Yes to still connect over fun things perhaps, but also because maybe this is a conversation that needs to be had.
We women are overlooked all of the time, we’re told we’re not smart enough, we’re too weak, too dramatic, and that everything is just in our heads (or like me, we’re accused of being a hypochondriac). I’ve been told all of those things my entire life while also being told simultaneously that I’m too much, that I’ll never attract a husband because I’m too opinionated, and that my quick tongue is a sinful part of me that must be controlled.
I’ve also been told by doctors that passing out during my period was normal, that I was being dramatic for going to the ER for pelvic pain so severe that I couldn’t get off the floor, and that I should try taking a Vitamin B6 as a cure for my PMDD (all by Dr’s.).
I know what it’s like to lose trust in yourself, I know what it’s like to feel hopeless, I know what it’s like to chase every alternative cure only to come up empty, I know what’s it’s like to be doubted, I know what it’s like to cry out to God and beg Him to take away the pain. I also know what it feels like to finally get so angry that you refuse to take no for an answer.
I’m not happy that I’ve had to deal with this pain for so long, but I am happy to speak about it. I want as many women as possible to feel empowered to speak up, I want women to know that chronic pain is not okay, and most importantly I want women to know that we are deserving of treatment and care, we are capable enough to push for that care, we aren’t sinners because we are sick or failing because we don’t feel well enough to get it all done.
I don’t know what my future in this space will look like. I’d like to come back more regularly to blogging… I miss writing, I miss sharing my thoughts with you guys. And I need an excuse to get dressed again. I haven’t been taking care of myself and I need to start prioritizing myself like I used to. But I am not healed yet, I have good days and bad days and they are unpredictable. I wanted to get this post up for you guys to let you know what’s going on and then… we’ll see. I’ll post what and when my body allows.
I hope you are all doing well, and that this season of life has been tender for you. But if it hasn’t, I am sending you a virtual thought and a big virtual hug.
Until next time,
Karin
Until next time,
Karin
